When you’re young, the world is full of possibilities. Your courage is mixed, and you’re cocooned from everything by your parents. You feel invincible enough to ask the questions the adults in the room are afraid too.
I didn’t know at the time, of course. You never do when you’re living inside it. You only understand it later, looking back after something has already changed.
You fail an endless number of times, learning to walk, learning to ride a bike, resilient at every turn. Confidence hides behind every failure. You’re bold with your actions. You don’t ask for permission; you just do, like stealing a cookie off the counter when your parents aren’t looking. The world is just small and surreal.
However, we’re eventually exposed to the reality of the adults who guide us. Our innocence dissolves, sometimes slowly in small sips, but there are a few events that drain it in big gulps, like finding out the truth about Santa Claus or learning the concept of money and that it must be earned to survive. More importantly, how cruel the world can truly be, that the circumstances we’re born into shape who we become. Some of us have to put our armor on much earlier than others.
I just didn’t know it yet.
It was the summer before my freshman year of high school, just a few days after my fourteenth birthday. It was the first time I got drunk and the first time I saw a naked woman. That seems like a long time ago, but the things I saw that night still stay with me today, etched in my brain, carried with me every time I meet a kid who seems to be having a tough go with the world.
I grew up in a nice neighborhood. It was in a small town where no one was wealthy, but most people did well for themselves. Homes around 2,000 square feet built on half-acre lots, gridded into blocks. Most were built in the 70’s, and there was a big field at the end. A lot of kids my age lived there, some I loved and others I hated. At the edge of the neighborhood, there was a group of eight single-floor apartments built in the 50’s, all around 600 square feet. They are no longer there today, bulldozed to make room for the new luxury homes being built now that the city is a suburb of Atlanta.
We were told when I was little to stay away from the end of the street past the stop sign, but I never listened. That’s where I met one of my best friends, Will Hardee. He lived there with his grandpa, Mr. Tim, after his mother abandoned him to move west with some man she met at a motorcycle bar. We were tight and did most things together, from riding bikes through Main Street to shooting hoops at my house. My parents always suggested he stay the night at our place, inviting him to dinner, and often even bought him clothes. Looking back, my dad was a good man for that, but he never let me stay over at his place.
Things changed when his uncle came home from prison and needed a place to stay. His grandfather let him move in on the condition of no drugs in the house and nothing stupid around Will. I’d only met him once. After I shook his hand, Will quickly shoved me away so we could ride our bikes at our favorite place for hitting jumps. To this day, I can never forget that moment. He had on jean shorts cut just above his knees, a black tee, and a mullet buzzed on the sides, shaded with gray hairs. He looked sharp, but his face was scarred, probably from fighting in prison or just having a hard life.
For my birthday, my grandma sent me $25, the most I’d probably ever had at one time. When I told Will about it, he said, “I bet my uncle will buy us some beer if we give it to him.”
Now, my parents didn’t drink, but this kid at school, Jason Blanton, told us at lunch one day he’d gotten drunk with his cousin and said it was the most fun he’d ever had. He said it made him see the world differently, or at least that’s what he claimed. Will didn’t have much experience with alcohol either. His grandpa had been sober twenty years, I knew because he told us all the time, but he always had a cigarette in his mouth or a can of dip on the counter. He was either at work at the cold storage or playing bingo on the weekends, trying to make some extra cash for the bills.
We came up with an idea to convince my dad to let me stay the night. After his grandpa left for bingo, his uncle would get us the beer, and we would play video games and drink to see if alcohol was everything Jason said it was.
When I walked into our living room, my dad was watching the Cubs game. He was the city administrator for our small town but was originally from Chicago. He met my mom when he was in the military and agreed to move here once they were married. He was a good guy and very quiet, but Saturdays were his day to watch the game. I didn’t want to interrupt, but I thought maybe he would be so distracted he’d say yes before he knew what I was asking.
He was sitting in his favorite chair with a glass of sweet tea by his side.
“Dad… can I ask you something?”
He didn’t look away from the TV. After a moment, I heard, “Yes… what is it, son?”
“Can I stay the night with Will? His grandpa will be there.”
“No.” His eyes never left the TV.
“Why not?”
“Because I said so.”
“But you never let me stay with him. Five years of friendship, and you’ve always said no.”
“Will can stay here.” He took a sip of his sweet tea.
I turned to leave the room. I was tired of being treated like a kid. I was fourteen now and soon would be able to drive. It wasn’t fair, or so I thought. I wasn’t going to take no without an explanation, not this time. Even if it got me popped in the mouth for talking back.
“You keep telling me I need to start acting more like an adult, but you’re treating me like a kid. I’ve done all my chores, I made A-B honor roll all last year, and you still baby me.”
Since it was between innings and a commercial was on, he turned to me. “Why do you want to stay with him so bad, son?”
“Just because I never have, and now since I’m going to be in high school, I don’t see the big deal.”
He examined my face, and I stared back at him for a split second before dipping my head.
“So, it’s just going to be you, Mr. Tim, and Will?”
I swallowed a lump in my throat and attempted to keep my composure. “Yes, sir.”
“What about his uncle? Hasn’t he been staying there too?”
“He’s doing a construction job out of town this week. He ain’t here.”
He squinted his eyes and smiled. “Are you sure? I don’t want you around that man.”
“Can’t you trust me for once.”
The commercials ended, and the inning was about to start. He studied me like he was looking for a lie, a twitch in my face, or a shift in my posture.
“Why do you want to stay with him so bad? The apartment is small. What are y’all going to do?”
“We’re going to play video games.”
“I don’t want you running around the neighborhood in the middle of the night. You just got off restriction for what happened at school.”
“Dadddd, I promise.”
He looked back at the TV. “C’mon, Woods, throw a strike.” He turned the volume up and mumbled, “As long as it’s okay with your mother.”
I left and walked into the dining room. I could hear my mother in the kitchen. She was baking, listening to the radio, moving through her duties with a smile that could warm any room. She was raised to value motherhood and took pride in our home. She was the traditional stay-at-home wife who enjoyed the simpler things in life. Growing up on a farm taught her the importance of family, sacrifice, and self-sufficiency.
I didn’t like lying to my parents. The worst feeling in the world was the look of disappointment when I fell short of the standards they raised me with. It was something embedded in me as a child. I stopped for a second, wondering if I should even go through with this. I could already see their faces if I got caught drinking. My mom would probably have me rebaptized, accuse me of being possessed by a demon, or tell me that I’d lost my way with the Lord.
I decided to go to my room and think it through when I heard my mother call, “Shawn, can you come here for a second?”
“Yes, ma’am,” I answered, and walked into the kitchen. She was pulling a pound cake out of the oven.
“Will you do me a favor and grab me a plate out of the cabinet?”
When I walked in three pound cakes were cooling on the counter. I handed her the plate.
“No, baby, I need a cake plate. These two are going to church. The one I just took out of the oven is ours.”
As she walked over to the cabinet, I hesitated, then decided to ask.
“Mama, can I stay with Will tonight?”
She continued to look through the cabinet and paused for a second.
“Why doesn’t Will stay here, honey? He usually does.”
“But I’ve never stayed with him before. I’m growing up, and I want to stay away from home.”
“You do, honey. You stay with your cousins all the time.”
“But I have never stayed with Will.”
She found her cake plate and placed it on the table, then went to the drawer and got a butter knife to run along the edge of the pan to loosen it.
“I don’t know. After what happened at school a few weeks ago, I’m not sure it’s a good idea.”
“Mommm, Will doesn’t even cuss. It’s not his fault.”
“Then who taught you to talk like that?” She turned and stared at me.
“I was just trying to be cool.”
“I don’t ever want to hear you talking like that again.”
I sat down at the kitchen table, and she turned her attention back to her pound cakes, carefully loosening them and flipping them upside down onto each plate.
My dad walked in and crept up behind her, grabbing her by the hips, and looked over her shoulder.
“Marie, those smell so good.”
She smiled and looked down at her work. He kissed her on the cheek.
“What do you think, Paul?” She asked.
My dad glanced in my direction.
“Well, we can’t keep him caged forever. I think we should let him stay.”
He smiled at me.
She gave him that look. She wanted to say no, but she smiled and said fine. The agreement was to call them if I had any problems, take my house key, and bring Mr. Tim a piece of pound cake. She wanted him to have a slice.
I couldn’t believe it. I was actually going to pull this off. I hugged my parents and raced to my room to pack some clothes, then reached into my top drawer and grabbed my twenty-five dollars.
At 7:30 that evening, I kissed my mom on the cheek and told my parents I’d see them in the morning. As I walked up the driveway, my mom called for me to wait. She ran inside and came back with a piece of pound cake wrapped on a paper plate.
“Don’t forget to give this to Mr. Tim.”
I headed toward Will’s apartment at the end of the street. The sun was starting to set to the west, and the streetlights weren’t on yet. Will told me just to come if the plan was a go. He hadn’t been coming over as much because I’d been on restriction and he thought my parents blamed him for it, which he wasn’t totally wrong about.
When I crossed the stop sign, I saw him sitting on his wooden swing in the front yard. It was big enough for two people. I’d spent plenty of days sitting there, watching cars go by, plotting our next move for the day.
Will threw both hands in the air. “Shawn! You made it! I sure as hell didn’t think your pops was going to let you stay.”
I told him what had happened and pulled out the twenty-five dollars. We sat down on the swing.
“Uncle David should be here after a while.”
He led me into the apartment and told me to put my stuff under the coffee table in the living room. It was small and reeked of cigarette smoke. Ash trays with cigarette butts were everywhere, but I was used to it. A small living room led into a small kitchen with a back door that opened to a shared backyard. Off the living room was a doorway with a short hallway leading to two small bedrooms and a small bathroom.
“You can crash on the couch. My uncle’s got my room now, and I ain’t sleeping with Poppa.”
“Then where are you going to sleep?” I asked.
“Hell, I’ll sleep on the floor. I usually sleep on the couch, but you can have it tonight.”
That’s when he noticed the pound cake in my hand.
“Did your mama make that?”
I nodded. He took it from me, unwrapped the plastic, and started eating.
“I ain’t ate all day. Your mom makes good stuff.”
He swallowed a piece and shook the cake. “Now your dad cooks alright. Not enough seasoning in his food, though.”
“You’re right. That’s why I keep the salt and pepper near my plate.”
“Your pops ain’t mad at me, is he?”
“No, why?”
“Just feels like he thinks I got you cussing.”
“No, man. My dad likes you. He always has.”
“I don’t know about that.”
He laughed, finished the cake, and grabbed two Coca-Colas from the fridge. “Wanna go throw the football?”
We went into the front yard and tossed the ball around. I ran routes while Will played quarterback. He had a great arm and could really pitch a baseball, but he never played. His grandpa always missed the sign-up period, which sucked. Our rec team last year could’ve used him.
I made a good one-handed catch off a Hail Mary and started celebrating when Will stopped and pointed.
“There’s Uncle David.”
I turned. A man smoking a cigarette was walking up the road toward the apartment.
“Shawn, you got the money?”
“Yeah, it’s in the house.”
“Well, go get it. We’re getting drunk tonight.”
I grabbed the money from my bag and went back outside. Will was sitting on the swing. His uncle stood in front of him with a cigarette bouncing in his mouth as he talked.
I walked over and took a seat.
“You must be Shawn?” He said.
“Yes, sir.”
“You ain’t gotta sir me, boy. I think I met you once.” He squinted, trying to remember.
“You did, just for a second.”
“I think I remember. If y’all so close, why ain’t you been around? I been here two weeks and barely seen you.”
“He’s been on restriction,” Will said.
“What’d you do? Talking back to your parents?” his uncle asked.
I shook my head no.
“Tell him what you did, Shawn. It’s funny as shit.”
His uncle nodded. “Go on. I ain’t judging.”
I took a breath. “I got caught cussing at school.”
“Yeah, but tell him what you said,” Will was egging me on.
I hesitated. “Well, I was in class with these two older kids. One is named Jason, and he was talking a bunch of crap about how I’d never kissed a girl. He said he went to third base last weekend with some girl from the high school.” I paused and took another breath. “He said I was too scared to even touch a girl. So I shouted in front of the whole class that I get pussy every weekend.”
They both started laughing.
“Well, it turns out the teacher was behind me and wrote me up. I got suspended for a day.”
Will’s uncle grinned ear to ear. He flicked his cigarette on the ground and stomped it out.
“Boy, you ain’t had pussy since pussy had you.”
Will bent over on the swing and put his hand on the ground.
“Why you laughing, Will? You ain’t had none either.”
“I’m gonna get me some soon,” Will said.
His uncle just laughed. I was a little embarrassed, but it was clear he meant it in jest. I was only fourteen, after all.
“Ain’t your daddy the law?” Mr. David asked.
“No, sir. He works for the city. He’s not a cop.”
Mr. David lit another cigarette and blew a cloud of smoke in my direction. It stung my nose, and I fought back a cough. I didn’t want to look weak.
“So, you boys want some beer?” he asked.
“Yeah, you gonna get it for us?” Will said.
Mr. David turned to me. “You ain’t gonna tell your daddy, are you?”
I shook my head. “No, sir.”
“Alright. I don’t need no law after me over this dumb shit, you know what I’m sayin’.”
“Uncle David, he ain’t gonna say nothin’. Shawn ain’t ever snitched.”
He looked Will in the eyes and nodded. I reached into my pocket and handed him the twenty-five dollars. He told us he’d walk to the store and be back in a little while.
When he got to the edge of the yard, he stopped and yelled at Will, “Aye, Bo, Blair’s gonna get dropped off here after a while. If I ain’t back, just tell her to go to the bedroom.”
I asked Will who Blair was. He said she was some girl young his uncle had been hanging out with. Then I asked why I had to give him the whole twenty-five dollars. I’d seen a twelve-pack at the store a few days earlier for eight bucks. Will shrugged. His uncle didn’t do anything for free; that was the tax for him getting us the stuff.
Once it was dark, we went inside the apartment and started playing video games. Will beat me in three straight games of Madden. The night felt normal and the apartment wasn’t much different than staying at my house, except for the size of the place and not having snacks. Even his uncle seemed alright. Maybe a little rough around the edges, but not a bad dude.
It was 9:30, and we were both anticipating the beer. The video games were played out, we decided to take a break and go outside.
“It’s getting late. What time does your grandpa get home? We might not have enough time to drink the beer.”
“Nah, we got plenty of time. He ain’t usually back till three when he ain’t gotta work tomorrow. He’ll sit at the bar with his buddies and drink Diet Coke after bingo. We got plenty of time.”
I wasn’t sure if his uncle was coming back, and I stared down the road as far as the streetlights reached. There was no sign of him. My faith was fading.
About fifteen minutes later, an old Buick rolled up. The passenger door flung open and a woman got out. She had an arm sleeve tattoo and her nose pierced. She was wearing Daisy Dukes and a tank top that was barely holding her breast in. She waved to the man inside and walked up the sidewalk toward the house.
Will was grinning ear to ear. and I was staring at her chest, waiting for one to fall out of that tiny top.
“Who’s that?” I asked.
“That’s Blair, I guess she’s his ole lady now.”
“She looks a lot younger than him.”
“Uncle David’s got his way with the women,” Will said.
The lady walked over to us with a grin. “Hey, sweetie,” she said, hugging Will. He rested his head on her chest, cheek to skin, and smiled at me.
“Uncle David ain’t here. He said he’d be back soon.”
She rolled her eyes. “Figures.” Then she turned to me. “And who’s this?”
“I’m Shawn,” I said, smiling and holding out my hand.
“You’re a cutie.” She dug into her purse and pulled out a cigarette.
“When’s he gonna be back?”
We both shook our heads. Will spoke up. “He’s getting us beer.”
“Have you boys ever been drunk before?”
“No, ma’am,” I said.
“Oh, you got manners. You don’t have to ma’am me. I’m not that much older than you boys.” She laughed. “Sounds like we’re having us a party tonight.”
I wasn’t sure what she meant. I’d never been at a party with alcohol, and outside of a few public pools, I’d never been around a woman dressed like that.
“All we’re missing is some girls,” Will said.
She laughed, took a drag from her cigarette, and bent down to grab her purse. You could almost see the top of her nipples. My eyes were wide. Everything seemed to move in slow frames as she stood back up.
“Guess you boys will have to make do with me.” She winked. “I’m gonna go freshen up before your uncle gets back.” She walked into the house. Both our eyes were glued to every step, down to her shorts where the bottom fat of her butt cheeks peeked out.
Will nudged me. “I’m gonna hit that one day.”
I rolled my eyes. “We’re fourteen, dude.”
“She’s only eight years older than me. In a couple years, it’ll be fine.”
“I don’t think she’ll be very pretty in a couple years, man.”
“Your mom still looks good. Ain’t she forty?”
I pushed his shoulder. “Come on, man. Don’t go there.”
He laughed. “What?” and shrugged.
It was close to ten o’clock. I had given up on Mr. David showing up, thinking I’d lost my money. To pass the time, Will and I made summer plans and talked about the upcoming school year. I told him about Freshman Friday — I’d heard seniors would dump trash cans on us during lunch. Will doubted it and assured me he wouldn’t be in school long if someone tried. He’d been in two fights last year, so I didn’t doubt him. I also didn’t entirely believe the story myself.
Just as we were ready to go inside, Will’s uncle appeared in the distance, walking to the yard with a twelve-pack of beer. He set it down in front of us.
“Is Blair here?” he asked Will.
Will shook his head. He fidgeted in his pocket and pointed at both of us. “You boys don’t go running around with that stuff. Stay here, you know what I’m sayin’.”
We nodded our heads in agreement, and he went inside.
We tore open the cardboard box, and each opened a beer. Will took a sip first. His nose scrunched, but he swallowed it. I followed, as soon as it hit my lips, I spat it out and looked at Will.
“This stuff tastes like crap.”
“It does, but I heard it tastes better after the first one.”
We sat in the swing, taking small sips. Each one got a little easier, but the smell was making me sick. I pinched my nose to hide it when I drank. When the first beer was finished, we crushed the cans. My shoulders were loosened and I felt warm. Will suggested we go back inside since the mosquitoes were biting and play some video games.
Inside, the lights were off, and his uncle’s bedroom door was closed. It couldn’t have been more than ten feet from the TV in the living room. We turned on the game, cracked our second beers. This one tasted better, and I took a big gulp.
“Do you feel it yet?” I asked.
“Oh yeah,” he said, smiling.
We played Mario Brothers, sipping every chance we got. Everything was going according to plan. I liked alcohol, except for the taste. I didn’t get why my parents didn’t drink this stuff. Sometimes they needed a chill pill, and at least for me, this felt like the perfect antidote.
After the second beer, Will went to the kitchen and grabbed something off the counter. He sat next to me, with a green can that had a bear on it.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“It’s dip. Poppa does it when he can’t smoke. Once we finish our beers, I wanna try it.”
“I don’t know, man,” I said.
“Don’t be a wuss. My uncle said it’ll sober you up. If we get too drunk, we can use this to bring us back.”
I took a sip of my third beer and ignored him. I didn’t seem to care about anything. Every time I died in the game, I wasn’t upset. We’d both just laugh.
After our third straight game of not getting past the first level, we turned it off and sat in the middle of the living room floor. I noticed the picture on the wall of his grandpa and grandma. I told Will I’d never noticed it before because it was behind the door when it was open.
He took a sip of his beer and looked at me. “I loved that lady. She kept my poppa going. Since she’s been gone, things ain’t been the same.”
Staring at the photo I noticed everyone was smiling. Will was so young. He wore a polo shirt and khakis. It looked like it was taken at a church.
Before I could ask another question, a foul smell overtook my nostrils. It was sharp, something I couldn’t fully describe, but it reminded me of burnt rubber or melting plastic. I only knew the smell because I stayed with my cousins on the farm, they burned their trash in a fire pit.
“Will, do you smell that?”
Will set his beer down and rolled his eyes. “Oh shit. I don’t even care tonight.”
“What is it?”
“Don’t worry about it. Let’s just drink this beer and hope for the best.”
The smell lingered. It was making me sick, and my stomach felt bloated.
“I think I might be drunk, dude.”
Will’s eyes squinted, and he nodded.
A few seconds later, I heard a woman moan inside the apartment. It wasn’t pain. It sounded like sex.
“What are they doing in there?” I asked.
“Hell if I know. Wanna go outside?”
As we stood up slowly, the moaning grew louder. I’d been sitting so long I hadn’t realized how much the alcohol had hit me. My legs wobbled, and I put a hand on the wall as we took those few steps towards the front door. We staggered to the swing and sat down.
“Dude, I might not need another one. I think I’m drunk.”
“Don’t be a pussy,” Will said, handing me another beer.
I looked up at the black, dense sky. The stars were out, each one fuzzy and bright. The moon was white, its glow doubled, as if I were seeing it twice. I rubbed my eyes and looked again, it didn’t change. I lifted my fourth beer, my jaw loose as I’d forgotten to close it.
“Shawn, you good?” Will asked.
Before I could answer, a loud stomp came from inside the apartment, and the front door flung open. Blair ran out, completely butt naked. Everything was in slow motion. I almost dropped my beer. Her huge breasts bounced, her butt jiggled, and my jaw was unhinged. I had never seen a naked woman before. I took a sip. The alcohol had frozen me. When I looked at Will, he was grinning, almost laughing.
Before I could process it all, a yell from inside.
“I’ll kill you, bitch!”
Will’s uncle sprinted after her. He was naked too, chasing her into the front yard. They stumbled and teetered, running, in zigzag lines.
“What the fuck is happening?” I asked Will.
“This ain’t the first time.” He shook his head.
She circled around a big pine tree, keeping it between them. I was in disbelief, but for some odd reason, I wasn’t scared. Maybe Will being calm made me calm. Maybe it was the alcohol.
“You slut! I know you were down there today!” His uncle screamed, slipping as he tried to get around the tree.
“I swear I wasn’t,” she said. “Ask Will who dropped me off. He’ll tell you.”
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t react. I didn’t fully understand what I was seeing.
“You whore, I told you I would get the stuff. But nooo, you went down there anyways.” He lunged around the left side of the tree. She tried to run, but he grabbed her hair and yanked her into his body.
He pulled her head back, “Will who dropped her off?”
One hand was around her neck, the other across her shoulder, her naked body pressed against him right in front of us. I was getting nervous, thinking he might beat her ass.
Will stayed calm “I ain’t see nobody drop her off. She walked up here.”
His uncle stared at Will, then at Blair. The moment was too wrong to process properly. He walked her back to the tree and pressed her back against the bark.
Will handed me another beer. I leaned toward him and whispered, “Didn’t a Buick drop her off?”
“Don’t say shit,” he said. “He’ll knock her teeth in.”
Mr. David was whispering in her ear, and then I could see what looked like a smile. The two separated for just a moment. Then she laid her head against his chest.
“Will they need to go inside? Someone’s going to call the cops,” I said.
“Nah man. Ain’t nobody in these apartments going to call the cops. They know my uncle is crazy.”
Then they started making out, and he turned her around. Her ass was facing us, they were dry humping. I wanted to leave, but there was no way, I couldn’t make it home at this point.
After a couple of minutes, he led her in the house, and they both walked past us, pretending nothing had happened.
Once they were inside, I looked at Will puzzled, “What did I just see?”
“Two crackheads fighting in the yard is what you just saw. Hell, I don’t know what else to tell you.” He shrugged.
“I could never be around this shit man.”
“Oh, you cussing now, that beer got you talking unusual.”
“Is this a regular thing. I’ve never seen anything like this.”
“Why you think I always stay with you?” He sat his beer down. “You don’t know how good you got it man.”
I stared forward, there was nothing to say. It all started to make a little more sense. My parents, Will always coming over and staying for dinner. Why did he never talk about this?
“Man, you know you can come over anytime.”
“I know, but don’t you go home and run your mouth about this. DSS will take me from my grandpa. Don’t you say a fucking word, and I mean it.”
I promised him I wouldn’t, and I truly meant that, while looking up at the sky staring longer than I should. We had one more beer left but I told Will I was too drunk to drink the last one, he agreed.
Instead, he suggested we go to the backyard and sit on the porch. We went through the front door back into the house, and I found myself leaning on anything that could hold my weight. There was a fresh smell of chemically burnt rubber, and the moaning was louder than before. Will grabbed the can off the counter, and I went to my bag and looked for my house key. I wasn’t sure why, but something told me to grab it.
The backyard was a common area, surround by the other apartments, making a L shape with a fence on the back and right side. Will would often follow the backyard path to my house. A single streetlamp stood in the middle, allowing you to see the whole yard. The air conditioning unit and a tall silver propane tank were to the right of the concrete porch.
Will shook the can and opened it. I stayed standing, thinking of a way to go home. I no longer wanted to stay the night, and I knew the only cure for how I felt was my bed. He took a pinch with two fingers, placed it in his lip, then handed the can to me.
“I don’t think I can, man.” I leaned against the apartment. “I think I drank too much.”
“Will lifted his index finger and showed the tobacco’s black shavings in his lip “It will sober you up, man. Just try it.”
I took a two-finger pinch and placed it into my bottom lip.
“Whatever you do don’t swallow it. That ain’t gonna end well if you do.”
We sat in silence for a moment, then I lost feeling in my legs. Everything started spinning. I took one step to the right, then another. My shoulder leaned more and more until a sharp pain hit. When I looked, I was lying next to the propane tank, the world titled at a strange angle.
I rolled onto my stomach and felt a strong taste of acid at the back of my throat. When I looked to my left there were two Wills, and both were bent over. He was puking his guts out. Then something surged from inside of me. The smell of alcohol and gray liquid shot from my mouth. I looked down, then rolled onto my back, making sure to miss the pile of vomit. Will was lying off in the distance. I rolled back onto my stomach, spit a few times, got back on my knees, and threw up again.
All I wanted was my bed, honestly at this point I wanted to die. It was the worse I had ever felt in my life. The back of my shirt was soaked from the dew in the grass. I pulled myself up to my feet, using the propane tank to stabilize me.
“You got this, Shawn,” I whispered to myself, then stumbled towards the fence. “Will, I’m going home.” He was still on all fours, throwing up. I wasn’t sure if he could hear me, but I didn’t care.
I took ten steps, each one calculated, one foot in front of the other, toward the missing section of the fence and slid my body through into the neighbor’s backyard. With my shoulders leaning forward and my feet moving faster than expected, I stumbled through the first yard and fell again. I laid on my back in the grass and stared up at the stars wondering and, in some ways, hoping I would die. I thought I’d just lie there and maybe someone will find me. The stars spun and pulsed into my eyes. I thought about the consequence of my actions and the trouble I was going to be in. The look on my mother’s face when she found out I’d lied to her and drank alcohol. They probably wouldn’t let hangout with Will ever again.
I was determined to get away with this. I couldn’t wreck everything, not tonight. Not after all I had seen. Not after all I had been through. I rolled onto my stomach and dug my fingers into the wet grass until they hit the soil and pushed myself up.
Keeping my eyes forward, I stumbled through four more yards until I got to the edge of my mine. The sight reminded me of those tv shows where men were lost in the desert, dying of thirst, thinking they see water. When I hit the edge of my yard, I saw that water, at least in my mind, and fell into the pampas grass. A sharp pain hit my body and I laid there for a moment before forcing myself up. I looked at my arms and dusted off my legs and saw mini paper cuts running up and down my skin.
I limped to our sidewalk and made it to the back door. I knew I had to be quiet. If I woke my dad, he would know exactly what I had been doing. I pulled my house key from my front pocket and tried to fit it in the lock. I couldn’t aim right, so I stopped and took a deep breath. If you get caught, you’re dead. That thought alone sobered me up enough and on the second try I got the key in and unlocked the door.
Inside, I walked from the laundry room to the kitchen and filled a large glass of water at the sink. It was gone in three second. I leaned on the counter as I made my way to my room. Just as I got to my door, the hallway light flicked on.
My dad stood there in nothing but his brief underwear, staring at me. I saw two, maybe three of him.
“Your back,” he said.
“Yeah, I couldn’t, I couldn’t sleep.”
He stared at me, and I wasn’t sure which of the three were him, so I stared at the middle one.
“Well make sure you lock the door.” He turned toward his room, then paused. “And make sure you drink a big glass of water before you go to bed.” There was a smirk on all three of his faces before he turned the light off.
I stripped down to my boxers and placed the trash can at the corner of the bed. Staring at the ceiling as the room spun round and round. I closed my eyes, but the darkness was spinning too. There was no escaping it.
I wasn’t sure what had happened that night. I was drunk and not fully conscious of everything that transpired. But I knew when I woke up, something would be different. I’d see Will differently, and myself too. I just couldn’t process it yet. I rolled over on my stomach, pulled the trash closer, and began to hurl again.